No One Tells You This Part About Chasing Your Dreams

The part where you finally get there...

And that’s it. I’m here. I am exactly where I dreamed I would be years ago. Every bad day, every wrong turn, and everything life handed me still never managed to put this light out. I can finally see the fiercely tenacious woman standing in front of me, but this sure as hell wasn’t easy. Not at all.

I gave up so freaking much to get me where I am today. There were sacrifices, hard choices, long nights, tears, doubt, and moments when I wondered if I was completely out of my mind for continuing to chase something I couldn’t always see.

I don’t live, breathe, and think like most people, and sometimes that gets in my head a little. I struggle with insecurities just like everyone else. The difference is, I’ve learned to grab hold of them and face those little fuckers.

Well…

After I sit and cry about it for a few days, then I overthink it for a few more, then I try to talk myself out of wanting more; eventually, though, I sit with it. I feel every single damn emotion that comes. I honor it. I let myself love it. And then I keep going because I am doing the best I can while always, always following my heart. No matter how shitty things have gotten, I can look back now and see that some of the most painful experiences in my life eventually led me somewhere beautiful.

But first, I had to feel them. I had to think differently. I had to take my ego out of it. I had to stop asking, Why me?

And quite honestly, I fucking hated it. I saw some of the lowest parts of my life, but I always, always, always held onto my dreams. They were mine, and I knew I would get back up, no matter how hard life hit me.

And let me tell you…

Life hits fucking hard. It can knock me down. It can make me question everything. It can make me want to curl up under a blanket and pretend none of it exists, but it can’t take my spirit. She’s a tricky little shit who refuses to take no for an answer. Learning how to find myself, learn myself, and heal myself has been one of the most adventurous journeys of my life.

Along the way, I’ve had some of the most beautiful people come into my life; some stayed, some left, some taught me lessons I didn’t know I needed, and every single one of them has left something behind that helped shape the person I am today. I couldn’t be more grateful for the people, lessons, blessings, and even the painful experiences that brought me here.

And now comes the scary part of trusting the next steps. My God, is that scary. I have my children watching me. My grandson is watching me, and sometimes that little voice creeps in:

What if I fail?

Those thoughts are real. They can be loud. They can make me want to curl up under a blanket and go back to sleep, but then I wipe the tears from my eyes and remember. I remember all the times I got back up after failing. I learned from it. I grew from it. I learned to love parts of myself because of it; failure didn’t end my story; it changed it.

I remember all the seeds I’ve planted over the years, and now, I think it’s time to sit back for a moment and watch some of them begin to sprout. In a perfect world, every seed would turn into the beautiful flower I imagined. I’d get to watch each one bloom exactly the way I planned, but life doesn’t really work that way. Some things won’t grow the way I expected. Some things may take longer. Some may bloom differently than I imagined, and some may become something far more beautiful than I could have planned for myself.

I’ve learned that I don’t need to know exactly what every seed will become. I just need to keep tending to what matters. I know that with every blessing, there is a lesson. Even though, honestly, I don’t really want to learn anymore. I’ve learned enough, universe.

But…

I’ll welcome whatever comes with open arms because it is time. It is time for me to start living the dream that has been burning within me for years. I finally get to put down my student hat and pick up my teacher hat (that feels strange to say). I’ve spent so much of my life learning, studying, questioning, growing, becoming, and now I get to share what I’ve learned. I get to teach. I get to create. I get to pour everything I’ve spent years learning into the work that has been quietly growing inside me all along. I embrace this future with all the love within my heart. I don’t know exactly where it will take me, and for once, maybe I don’t need to. I trust that following my heart will continue to guide me where I need to go.

Every kind word. Every gesture. Every listening ear. Every person who believed in me when I wasn’t quite sure how to believe in myself. You have all helped shape the person I am today, and I am truly honored to have you in my life.

Now I get to enjoy life a little. I get to shift my focus from school back toward myself. Whew. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do with all that attention. Maybe I’ll finally learn how to sit still (probably not), but I’m ready to find out.

The dream isn’t something I’m chasing anymore. I’m standing in it and now…

I get to live it.